Hello there people,
How are things going with this second MCO? Still staying put at home I supposed? This time round, I felt that things were much more looser than before but because of my foot injury and also the cases are sky rocket (ehem), it just didn't felt right to head out.
We did went out, the girls and I for lunch at a quiet cafe but other than that, it's just me, myself and my two boys at home.
Boy - it took me some time to draft and finally approve this post so please bear with me and my thoughts.
Now, to those who are close to me, you guys would have know that I am seeing a therapist. There's going to be a few questions that may come across someone's mind - why? how? what? who? when? You know, the typical questions given that seeing a therapist in Malaysia, it's not really a normal thing to do.
When you say that you are seeing a therapist, people will usually go,
"Huh? Why? Isn't that expensive? You want to commit suicide is it? *none of my friends say this straight to my face laa*"
Well, you get the idea. It's just... not a normal thing to do in our country *tuning my voice down* as there are so many other weird things that our country allowed, like child marriage, no abortion policy and yadayada
*back to normal voice*
Why?
You know sometimes in life, bad and good things happened? Things that you still don't have the answer for and some days you question the higher one, why did that happened and why didn't I do something about it. Well, something similar to that happened to me.
I don't want to go into too much details but since then, I wanted to take my own life twice. Once when I was a teenager and the other was when I was about to turn 20. I am quite thankful that I am a positive person most of the time but when the bad days hit, I can turn from 100% mood to -50% in split second and that -50% usually comes when I am alone with my own thoughts. The bad thoughts will come, drowning me with all the negativity, guilt and just thoughts of why didn't I do something about it (either good or bad).
It has always been like that and I always thought, it's alright. I will get better once I lashed out all these negativity feelings but the thing is - it kept coming back and last year, it got worst. I am not sure if it is because of MCO or is it because of me being more aware of what I am doing to myself, I decided that I need to start taking care of myself.
I talked to my girlfriends and they were pretty supportive of it and there you go. I started to do research on where or how I should start on this healing journey of mine.
How?
There are a few options that I can choose.
Option 1 // Go to my GP, get a referral letter and get some meds pumped and counselling with the government hospital. This I believed is price at RM5 - RM30 depending on where or what treatment you are being put on
Option 2 // See a therapist and try to work things out without meds and monitor how things are for the next half of the year
Well, if you are still reading, yes, I took Option 2. First of all, I am a little worry on taking meds cause I do know that putting drugs into your body will fix things but there is also trial and error and it may just fuck things up. Second, I hate routine and I am struggling each day to fit a routine into my adulthood so I know, I won't be able to stay on track of taking my meds sooo, I decided to try out therapy first.
Who?
I started out with Caracara Space and I took the package which cost me RM460 (RM80 for each session) and the whole package lasted me for 2 months. They have a beautiful website and you can take a look at the profiles and see which one suits you better. If you are not sure, you can try out one session first before committing and that would be RM120.
My therapist however moved over to another company/platform but she said it's the same so I am not so sure but you can check out Meraky Space too where their prices is slightly cheaper than Caracara Space.
What was it like?
Before my first session, I was given a form to filled out and in there there were some tough questions that I hate to dive into but I had too and all of those questions were brought up during the first session. There was also goals that I have to set to see if those goals can be achieved from therapy.
I hate opening up to people on certain topics and it has always been a trait that I hate talking too much about a problem cause... people will never get it. Yes, this is still my mindset at some days but I am TRYING YOU!
The first session, I cried. The second session - I cried. The third session? I lashed out some anger and yes, more crying and actually talking about things that happened. The fourth session - we walked through my childhood since things started going downhill from there (I supposed) and of course, there was a tiny bit of tears. The fifth and sixth session was a little less intense and it was more on how was I feeling in these weeks and if we did touch or talked about the goals that I set before we entered the therapy session.
Does it help?
Hmm, I think it may be a little too early for me to say but I guess it is in some ways. I have always coped by running away, pushing those problems to the back of my head and although I am still doing those things, but at least, I am talking about them (Or forced too). I figured, this is who I am right now. There's no use changing the past but if I have the opportunity to change the future me, why not try my best to heal?
I was told, that after what I been through, the wound is still wet and by talking about it, I am actually treating it and although I still won't talk about it to people around me but I am glad I do have someone that I can talk too when I need to.
Do I still have those bad thoughts? Yes, I do but I talked about them and sometimes, I just need a little nudge from someone who is not a friend to pushed me to something that I already knew but just didn't want to address it.
Maybe one fine day, I would eventually open up and healed properly.
Conclusion
There you go. It's a pretty long post. If you are still reading, thank you and I appreciate it. It also could mean that you may be interested in seeing a therapist yourself too, so, try out the options above and you never know, sometimes, the things that we thought are good for us, example, hitting hard at the gym, spending way too much time outside than at home and being busy all the time, it may be something else that needs to be addressed.
In the meantime, stay safe and let's talk more about mental health in Malaysia.
xoxo,
eunicegm
