Deon said that i look down upon him and i change. he kept saying that i am using adult sentences and that i am not the same person that i used to be. he also mentioned that i am not the same head with him in most things nowadays and that going into university changes me.

i kept telling him to tell me more about what he felt and we could discussed it but in the end, he went charging upstairs into bed, leaving me to pour out my feelings in here.

i don't know if i change a lot but i do know that i am not the same as i use to be. in the old days, i can be 100% happy-go-lucky but nowadays? i need to think over what i am doing before i try anything new. i had seen how people react to those actions and how people expected me to be and before i knew it, my own brother told me that i had changed. 

i doubt that this is called change but i think i prefer the word growing up. growing up just turns you into another person. you start thinking about the consequences of your action and think about what people will think about you if you act in a certain way and you start being someone that you think is the best personality for you. soon, you begin to stick to this very personality that puts smile on people face and the old you just... disappear into thin air. 

that is why most people would agree on growing up sucks. i hate growing up but reality sinks in. this is the real world! i don't want to be Susan from The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe but that IS reality, you just have to learn to accept it! and it's not that i had forget about having fun or fooling around like a teenager! i still fool around and act goofy at times but i learned that those can only be seen with people who knew you well enough!

i just hope this little brother of mine understands that when i give him advice, it's out of love and not because that i look down upon him or hates him. i think he will reply that i am being fake but what else can i say?

being a grown up, the first child of this family, a young adult myself is not an easy thing to do. people has high expectations on me and i don't intend to fail them or to fail myself. i just want to be me. myself. but with the right group of people. my family, my best friends, my close friends, and my future family. what's the use of letting society know what kind of person are you when the only thing that society is good at is judging and picking on you?

i wish i am invited to Peter Pan land. =(

xoxo,

eunice gm.